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I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

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  • #16
    Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Lol yeah the durian is yucky. Not my idea of a tasty piece of fruit!


    The way you're describing your wife suggests that you guys have some issues. Far be it for me to tell you how to manage your relationship... but have you ever considered that your wife may feel really insecure in your relationship? The scenario you described suggests that she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her desires with you, for whatever reason. It might be that she is scared of you dismissing her, or scared that you won't like her if she asserts herself... I can't tell you that for sure. But maybe you could talk to her about that, try to (gently) get her to explain to you why she does that. I've done that in relationships and it is because I'm worried that if I say the wrong thing, the person won't like me or won't want to be with me. It is just a thought.

    Also, have you ever talked to her about how she is afraid that you're not spending enough time together? Maybe she feels like she is losing you, and so she is trying to cling on hard to what is remaining. Overall, it sounds like your wife is really worried about something, or she feels really insecure about the relationship, so it might behoove you two to have some serious heart-to-heart discussions about her fears. Don't get angry, and just listen to her. Accept that she's feeling a certain way, even if you don't agree with her. If she starts crying, it is because those are her innermost feelings that she's trying to express to you, and if you dismiss what she says you'll only make her retreat farther from you.

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    • #17
      Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

      I hate to be the realist here, but if your relationship with your wife is not as fulfilling as your relationship with your cousin, then maybe you shouldn't be with your wife. I know that it would be unacceptable for me, if my wife only thought about herself and never me. I would also say that a relationship that is only one-sided is destined to fail. I know that you love each other, but how much are you willing to give before it impedes on your own identity and happiness? What you have and what you feel for your wife's sister is not incest. In a matter of fact, a lot of people will have dated a woman and her sister. Just because you and your wife are married doesn't mean that having a relationship with a non-blood relative, such as your sister's sister is incest. It is not. If I were you, and I am not, I would file for divorce, leave your wife and pursue a relationship with your sister's sister who you are happy with. What I mean by happy, is a more fulfilling relationship where two people give and take, not just take. This is just my two cents and you can do what ever you want to do. I've been where you are now, and I can tell you that my own identity was fading away and my happiness with it.

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      • #18
        Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

        Sarah has some great ideas as well. Always discuss and have an open line of communication with your spouse before rushing to any judgement or action. This, I think, is a given. At least this is what I've done with my own relationships in the past and why I came to my own conclusion. My conclusion shouldn't necessarily be your conclusion.

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        • #19
          Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

          Some notes and personal anecdotes as I can "relate" to several points brought up in this....

          I have a first cousin who's married to one of our third cousins...didn't even have to change her last name. They live way out in the countryside, where my mom's side of the family has been for probably at least a couple hundred years or more. They could certainly be considered "rednecks" by some, although I've seen much, much worse (and it should be noted it wasn't like they were after each other since childhood - they became interested in each other much later on).....

          They had a son who's probably near 20 now, and as our Granny would say: "...that boy ain't right..."

          He's probably closer to a 12-year old mentally, and always been several years behind in development; even though my cousins were technically legal to marry by the standards of most states, I'm 100% sure the kid's issues are genetic.

          That said, they also had a daughter who didn't have any of these problems, and who's actually quite a looker herself - which has gotten her in trouble so many times over the years it's ridiculous, including being knocked up while in high school (interestingly, via an interracial relationship, which has caused a huge rift between their family and her grandfather).

          My aforementioned first cousin has a younger brother who got married in his late 30s to a woman who was a few years older than him. A few years later, either at a family reunion or elsewhere, the couple learned they too were cousins, albeit a few more generations distant. Although they were probably too old to have safely had children at that point if they weren't related, this certainly put the kibosh on the idea for them.

          Not long after, I came across an article about genealogy in rural New England, where the authors extrapolated that if you had several generations of family there since the Revolutionary War period (that's around 1776 for those outside the US) chances are you're related in one way or another to just about everyone that settled there in the region - and since other areas of the country developed similarly over time, this would likely be the case elsewhere too,

          This is how they figure out things like President Obama being distantly related to the Bush family - and I'm betting it's not too farfetched that they'll later find that many mental illnesses, genetic diseases, etc. today in the US and elsewhere might have been exacerbated by the natural inbreeding of families in a similar fashion, just expressed later when the faulty genes overlap via a marriage of what are previously unknown, very distant family members.

          Regarding the notion of "immorality" of intimate relationships between cousins:

          It's a well-established fact that families and communities across the planet have encouraged such pairings over the millennia until very recent times, when it was discovered that this wasn't such a great idea....as with many things, what's "right" works on a sliding scale, relative to the times and the population involved. What's ironic is how this was often decried by the "more advanced" societies, while often going on in their very own backyards.

          Moral of this story:

          No matter how hot that cousin is, either keep it in your pants, or be sure to wrap that rascal.....and if the love of your life comes even remotely close from where you're from, consider doing a family tree before you tie the knot!!


          P.S: I would have never thought I'd ever see a durian in an FL forum - when I first saw it, I thought Sarah was going to illustrate someone's bizarre kink! I've never had it, but even hardcore openminded gourmet guys like Andrew Zimmern hate it. Apparently it smells and tastes like rotten onions meets toejam, so not too high on my list to try, but hey, maybe it'd be like cotton candy for a foot fetishist....
          Last edited by AlienInACan; 02-01-2013, 01:09 PM.

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          • #20
            Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

            secretsexpoet: Her sister is married, and is not the one I am close to. She is the same as my wife. My identity faded a long time ago. I expected it while raising children because they always come first, but both our kids are adults now. Over the years I gave up on having much of any social life outside family. It never went over to try to do anything with co-workers or friends.

            Basically my interests aren't interesting to my wife or kids or her sister, so they get pushed to the back. I love guns, cars and concerts. I have been to 4 gun shows, 3 car shows and maybe a dozen concerts in 26yrs. The concerts I like are bands she doesn't care about so I've always gone alone, and she never complained about them at the time. But as soon as I mentioned my cousin likes these same groups and would go with me, all of a sudden she says she is willing to go with me and "tolerate" it so I don't have to go alone. But when she goes with me to something she doesn't care about she is constantly asking "are you ready to.go yet??????"

            Basically I am a very shy, quiet, introverted, people-pleasing, accomodating person. I don't complain to people, I hold it in. Giving up gun shows, car shows, and concerts or going to friends house for gaming was just the price for making my wife happy. But when it came to giving up a valued family relationship, its more than I'm willing to walk away from.

            I mean we have a happy marriage as long as I'm not looking to have a personal life that is outside of her, or my daughter (18, but still at home), or her sister, or in some aspects even my Mom & brothers.

            I have a lot of people that place a lot of expectations on my time. Unfortunately none of them give any consideration of my personal feelings. If I even mention taking a day off work, I have 2 or 3 people telling me what I should do with or for them with not consideration if I might want to do something.

            SarahLIFE: I will have to.respond to.your insights later....I'm starting my work day now. I need to "lay on the couch" for a session with you. Have a pad & pen ready.
            Last edited by KssnCzns; 02-02-2013, 06:24 PM.

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            • #21
              Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

              Fireproof -

              I feel for ya....your spare time likes are among many I have, and I was in a 12-year marriage with a lot of similar "restrictions" put on me by a woman who's now my ex-wife going on almost as many years now.

              At one point late in our marriage, she insisted that I go to a therapist to have my head examined - at the time she was working as an assistant in an internationally-known mental hospital in my area, and figured he'd prescribe some pill and *boom*, I'd be fixed, just like she'd seen with all the pills and shots they'd give the crazy aunts, uncles, cousins, and other disowned members of some of America's oldest and richest families.

              While I indeed had issues, the therapist determined they were caused in large part by her and her controlling ways, fueled by my misguided belief that what I was "just being a good husband", which was detrimental to the growth of myself as a human being.

              What really got me was when he asked if I had any plans in store for the future - kids, job, recreation, anything - and I honestly didn't have an answer.....other than to suddenly burst out in a massive crying session that lasted a long, long, LONG time.

              (I know, "bawling your eyes out on the shrink's couch" sounds extremely stereotypical, but it was years of pent-up emotion that definitely needed to come out, and had in fact unexpectedly leaked out in tiny amounts a few times in prior months - and it was absolutely the turnaround point for what became a much better, more productive, and enjoyable life later.)

              Like you, all I did was give, give, and then give more, unselfishly and without question, because it was "the right thing to do" and "that's what good husbands do".

              However, being a good guy is one thing....being a good guy in the two-way street of a good marriage is something entirely different.

              I got little to nothing of substance given back in return other mere tidbits of affection, and not very good quality ones at that, and instead of stuffing it away into a dark corner, I should have spoken up. As I learned the hard way, sacrificing and losing the core essence of yourself for the sake of anyone isn't a good idea...it'll eventually manifest itself in some less-than-likable result at some point down the road.

              "Love thyself" can sound like very selfish thing to say, but in reality, if you don't on at least some level insist (hopefully tactfully) on some things going your way on your terms, you risk spending your life as a doormat, which nobody should ever have to endure.

              We divorced a couple years later, in a less-than-amicable way. It was tough, but I learned I was tougher. Antidepressants and more therapy sessions were a huge help, along with the love of a much better and far more understanding and sympathetic woman I met during the course of it all, and later married.

              In a nutshell, it gets better....but you have to take the first steps to make it that way. In my case, I was pushed...and ironically, it was the best demand my ex ever made of me, and I thank her every day for it. Those 12 years seem like another person's lifetime, but they're indeed mine, and while they were seemingly a waste in one way, they were a huge education in another, and I still pull from the lessons I learned from it daily.

              I don't know all the details of your situation, of course, nor should I know. But based on what you've written, I see a guy who really needs and deserves to reconnect with himself on a basic level. I'm absolutely not saying divorce your wife or anything like that, but I do hope you'll at least consider counseling for yourself if she isn't amenable to doing some together, and hopefully getting closer to the life and person you want to have and be.

              Be well and be happy, sir!
              Last edited by AlienInACan; 02-06-2013, 10:34 AM.

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              • #22
                Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                Originally posted by AlienInACan View Post
                P.S: I would have never thought I'd ever see a durian in an FL forum - when I first saw it, I thought Sarah was going to illustrate someone's bizarre kink! I've never had it, but even hardcore openminded gourmet guys like Andrew Zimmern hate it. Apparently it smells and tastes like rotten onions meets toejam, so not too high on my list to try, but hey, maybe it'd be like cotton candy for a foot fetishist....
                It smells (tastes?) more like engine oil mixed with lychees and rotten eggs. The smell is so overwhelming that it confuses how the brain interprets the taste. I disliked it the first few times, but after a while you begin to appreciate the sweetness.

                Regarding this thread, a lot of it reminds me of "When Nietzsche wept" Dig out the movie because it is really good.

                Personally I am open to incestual relationships and I think adoption is the most humane and appropriate thing to do in the instance of wanted offspring.

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                • #23
                  Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                  AlienInACan... Thanks for sharing that. I am in a very similar situation here. Mostly because I have enabled it to develop that way to avoid problems and disagreements. She is so sensitive to any hint of criticism, that I have almost no confidence that I could make any progress by talking about the things that bother me.

                  She won't come right out and say for me not to have a relationship with my cousin, because she knows we haven't done anything inappropriate. But if I talk to her on the phone in front of her at home, then I'm taking away from"our" home time. If I talk to her on the phone while driving home, then I'm"hiding"something from her. If I even look at my phone in front of her, she thinks I'm sending secret texts to her. If I hint about meeting my cousin for something, then I'm putting her above my wife and I'm going to end up leaving her. ..

                  Something I have realized lately in all this is that I was the"safe" choice. I am the quiet, stable (a.k.a. boring) guy, that works hard, and doesn't talk back. I treat her like she is first priority. Well, she broke up with me when we started getting serous to go out with a guy that was coming on to her (he was an arrogant ass, who talked down to women like they are serving class to him) after a few months she ended up wanting to get back with me.

                  Then about 10yrs into our marriage, an ex of hers showed up while I was at work to see her. This guy is a total asshole dead beat, alcoholic, etc. He tries to force her to kiss him and ends up knocking her to the floor. Well over a week or so she almost leaves me for this douchebag. When she told me about it age asked if I wanted a divorce. I asked her if she was going to go be with him of I said yes, and she said"well I have to have some one to help with the kids.

                  I told her no way soul I watch that guy have anything to do with our kids. So she stayed. The painful part is, her talking about why she stayed. She mentioned how stupid it would be to leave our home and the lifestyle she had her for somebody that was unemployed, with no house, and who was an alcoholic. Nothing about choosing "our love" over this dead beat.

                  We have been married since we were 19, and now we are 46.i think she has that classic underlying thought of"what if I would have picked someone more exciting"? I truly think she was disappointed that I didn't divorce her back then. But she would never put it on her. She would make sure it went on me as my decision so she could turn everyone against me.

                  Anyway my cousin is going through some tough times right now. I am trying to have some contact to console her and support her. We haven't had any arguements lately, but because my wife has talked bad about my cousin to our kids and her sister, now I have to avoid causing problems with them as well.

                  It just sucks really. Honestly I find very little true happiness in my marriage besides the sex.i mean I know she "loves" me. But it really is very conditional. As long as I put her and or kids and her family and my family above my personal needs. .. everything is great. The only time she can"pot me first" is when it's something she wants anyway.
                  Last edited by KssnCzns; 03-13-2013, 06:37 PM.

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                  • #24
                    Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                    Originally posted by fireproof69 View Post
                    It just sucks really. Honestly I find very little true happiness in my marriage besides the sex.i mean I know she "loves" me. But it really is very conditional. As long as I put her and or kids and her family and my family above my personal needs. .. everything is great. The only time she can"pot me first" is when it's something she wants anyway.
                    Im only 26, but I just got out of a very emotionally abusive relationship. I put everything I had into her and she just kept burning me till the very end. But just after I told her it was over, not even moving out or getting are stuff separated, a enormous weight got lifted off my shoulders.

                    I look at you and I see the pattern. My advice would be to relay down the lines. Just start doing what you want with whom you want. If she bitches, tell her that her time is over and she can make up her mind if she will go along with you or no. You'v lived most of your life doing what she whats, under her conditions. Time to Live man. She will either go with the flow (then all is good, just stick with your guns), She stays yet tries to reign you back into control (if so just start putting your money and items somewhere else and just cut her out of your life), she tries to set up you as an abuser (you just move out, like back your bags and bail hard, only come back to get your stuff with witness), or she leaves you (yay!)
                    If she will turn people against you, then they where never allies or friends in the first place. Just cut out what is bad and holding you back and add the new and exciting.

                    In the end, Meditate on it. But there is always a new way to be, new ways to live. Choice is yours, just lay it down and stick to your guns.

                    MRA for life!

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                    • #25
                      Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                      There's no way I could just tell her off and do my own thing. I'm just not wired that way. I have never been one to even talk about her to others about things like this that bother me about her. I don't want others to think bad of her. That's why I chose to express myself here. Nobody knows me or her on here, nobody is going to day anything to her to escalate the situation.

                      Honestly, I have posted more on here in this thread than I have ever told anyone I know in the entire 26yrs we have been married. It sucks to hold so much back but I don't really feel I have anyone that would be sympathetic to my side of the story. Except my cousin, but I can't tell her the real story because it would make her think bad of my wife. I've told her enough that she knows my wife doesn't like us doing things alone (even in a public place) like lunch or concerts or whatever. So she knows my wife is insecure and somewhat selfish and jealous and controlling.
                      My wife says she is afraid I will hang around my cousin and see a different life and decide to leave her and find somebody like my cousin to want to be with. Because they truly are at opposite ends of the personality spectrum.

                      But what is so frustrating is this: what I hear my wife say is this: "I am afraid you will leave me so I am going to freak out at every little thing until I drive you away. ...."

                      It doesn't matter how many times she breaks down crying and apologizing for over reacting, the next time she reads thru my text messages on my phone she is going to flip out again because I "say things to her to make her feel good about herself. .."

                      I'm sorry honey I can't be nice to everyone else and then be a dick to my cousin only. Basically she has attack the things she used to compliment me on because now she doesn't like it because there is a female that I care deeply about that she doesn't know.

                      I gotta go. . .I need to get SarahLIFE's perspective on some more of this. Maybe I'll start another thread that digs into the insecurity issue and her defense mechanism of verbally attacking my character every time she feels hurt.

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                      • #26
                        Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                        Well, going to find out how things are tonight. Haven't talk my cousin or seen her much at all in the last couple months, so no drama from the wife. She "says" she doesn't have a problem now. But im taking my cousin to a concert tonight. Just her and I. Its a standing room only venue and my wife has never wanted to go to any of those.

                        But my cousin loves concerts like that. Im hoping to have some great bonding time with her. I can already imagine her dancing to the music, how her body moves and how hot her body is. I can imagine standing behind her and putting my hands on her waist as she moves. Wrapping my arms around her from behind and kissing her on the check...feeling her ass against my crotch, resting my arms just above her sexy breasts.

                        I can picture how she will look me in the eyes and tell me she is really glad we came to this concert, and then she will blush a little and look away then back into my eyes.

                        I am extremely excited about this. I have actually fantasized about her while my wife has been giving me a hand job. Usually my wife can't keep her rhythm up long enough to gey me off, but when she does it now I just close my eyes and picture me being intimate with my cousin and it take very little time and I am cumming all over myself! And it makes my wife happy because she was able to get me off!

                        I know I would never actually have sex with my cousin because everyone would say that's fucked up. I just have such strong feelings for her that it has just progressed into my fantasy life to include her.

                        She is such an amazing person, and I love her...I LOVE her... I.....love...her!!!

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                        • #27
                          Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                          Man that was an awesome night. She had on some tight fittin distressed designer jeans that made her ass so sexy!

                          I had my hands on her the entire 3 1/2hr concert. I had her stand right in front of me. (I'm 5'10, she's 5'3) I would rub her shoulders, run my fingers through her long hair, slide my hands slowly up and down her arms. On slow songs I would slide my hands up and down her sides and then go in around her waistline and wrap my arms around her tightly just under her amazing breasts, squeezing her firm back against me; resting my chin on her shoulder. She would lean her face into mine and place her hands on top of mine, and we would just sway with the music.

                          On the fast songs I'd put my thumbs in her side belt loops and guide her hips as she danced to the music, and couple times I went around to the next set of loops and had the tips of my fingers in her front pockets.

                          We parked half way between the concert venue and the resteraunt we ate at before, and we held hands or were arm-in-arm everywhere we walked. I kissed her on the check more times than I can count, and we had multiple pecks on the lips when we had to call it a night. I didn't want it to end!

                          Here's what I learned: her and I are so much alike in so many ways, and are so compatible we both love each other completely, unconditionally. We aren't around each other in day-to-day life, so we can keep each other on a pedestal and only see what we mean to each other. We both encourage and inspire each other. And we both have a great need for each other in our lives.

                          So going forward, I am going to stop "spending" time on tumblr porn blogs, and searching porn threads here, and start "investing" my time being a better husband, father & friend to my family, and those around me.

                          I'm letting go of this hidden part of my life of browsing porn and going to invest that time and energy into people close to me. I hope to eventually develop a relationship where my wife can see what my cousin means to me and if she can't understand it, at least respect me enough to be supportive of it. She has had a close relationship with a male friend that I never questioned, so i am just asking for the same thing with regaurds to a family member.

                          I think what I found myself thinking at that concert is not that I am looking for a sexual encounter with my cousin; but just that intimate relationship, where we can tell each other anything and not be afraid of being judged by the other. A true uncnditional love, where we can even dis-agree in a way that doesn't tear each other down.

                          I realized that my initial rush as I had my hands all over her is a feeling of Love, safety and security for her. Those were her words that she told me the next day in an email. She said she felt so close to me, and so safe in my arms. She said it allowed her to let go of everything going on in her life and just relax and totally unwind; something she hadn't done in a long time. And I need those same things too.

                          I did masturbate thinking of her that night after I got home, but I was thinking how much I love her and what she means to me, instead of in a sexual way.

                          So back to where this thread title started: I AM in LOVE with my COUSIN!!! And that will NEVER change!!!!! Because she LOVES me just the same!!! We have a chemistry and connection that can't fully be put into words.

                          Thanks to everyone who gave their comments and insights on this topic...I'll check back on this thread later.

                          I hope SarahLIFE will give one last piece of insight and advice based on this post.
                          Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-13-2013, 07:03 AM. Reason: Hoping SarahLIFE will make a comment!!! hint, hint..LOL

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                          • #28
                            Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                            you better take it into control before you get yourself into some sort of a situation

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                            • #29
                              Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                              Haha freproof69... I'll comment just for your edit.

                              I've been reading all of these posts as they've progressed and the reason I haven't said anything is because you seem to be handling it well on your own. You are aware of what you want/don't want from your cousin and from your wife, and you seem to have a good idea of how to manage both relationships. However, I'm really glad that you said you're going to try to work on your family relationships outside of the one with your cousin, because ideally you would want to feel as safe and secure with your wife and children as you do with your cousin. Safety and security are essential parts of intimate relationships, as I have been learning in my own life, and it sounds like you and your wife have a lot to work on before you feel these things with each other. It seems to me that your wife feels insecure about you being with other women because she doesn't feel secure in your relationship. Equally, it looks like you're lacking that feeling of safety and security with her as well, because you're seeking it out in other people (i.e. your cousin).

                              Ultimately, it is up to you what you do with this whole situation, but it sounds like you're on a good path. Who knows... after you work on your marriage, maybe your wife will want to surf porn with you because it won't make her feel so threatened! That could be a long way in the future, though...

                              Good luck, and let us know how everything's going!

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                              • #30
                                Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

                                Oh, Sarah...you made my day!!!

                                I have a lot to add but can't right now. I will post later.

                                Ive been getting the cold shoulder/silent treatment since Friday. This really wears on me.....


                                Here's one hard lesson I've realized yhru all of this. Catering to her insecure/controlling nature for 25yrs did absolutely nothing to reduce her insecurities. It basically avoided yhe issue by me never pursuing any outside interests.

                                But things I have done with her younger sister that she used to encourage, like going to lunch or running around, now she acts like I am running off to start a new life with my cousin when I bring it up.

                                And she says she doesn't remember me taking her sister to lunch, when she was the one to suggest it on multiple occasions. She always told me she was glad that I treated her sister like she was my own sister, because it made her feel loved and feel better about herself. But she has verbally lashed out at me using those same words against me for saying things to my cousin that "makes her feel good about herself".

                                2yrs ago I even took a much younger and very attractive woman to a concert just us two, at yhe recommendations of my wife and daughter. Now I pay dearly either before, after or both because I took my cousin the other night.

                                I hate to keep going on and on here, but I have no one to talk to about this. My cousin knows my wife doesn't like us being "alone" in upublic venues. So she doesn't call or text much first. So that leaves the pressure on me to initiate.

                                As far as having hope there will ever be real progress... I doubt it. Almost every conversation/arguement/debate we have around this issue, my wife will include "since I see I can't have it the way I REALLY want it, and her be completely out of the picrure, I will try to learn to deal with it. You just have to give me time to adjust. It would be wrong to ask you to tell her to stay away, so I will never ask you to do that. If I decide I cany deal with it I'll just leave." Talk about putting pressure on ME!!!

                                In our 3arly years my wife was so giving to other people. I wrote a poem one time about how "my wife is a super-hero, and I wm the invisible man"...because she was always doing things for her family and mine, and I felt like I was just left out in the cold. Now she is very hard-hearted towards most people. I hate to think too much about it but she is becoming her mom...and she died a lonely bitter death.
                                Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-16-2013, 02:30 PM.

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