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  1. #1
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    Default I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    She is 5yrs younger. Has an amazing personality. She doesn't hold on to resentments or pain from past wrongs done to her. I enjoy her company so much. She makes me smile every single time I get to see her.

    About 5'5", 120lbs...so she looks good. Breast implants, but she went with the perfect size to accentuate her body. When she wears jeans her ass looks really good too! I feel like giving it a swat when she walks in front of me!! She takes great care and pride in her appearance, and is a beautiful person.

    When we get to have one-on-one time, we hold hands, are very affectionate towards each other. We stare each other in the eye, and she just lights up.Sometimes she will even blush and look down after telling me how glad she is that I came to see her. I'll put my hand on her thigh when we sit and talk, and put my arm around her. We give a peck on the lips before we hug, and we hug multiple times each time we see each other. We always blow each other one last kiss when we drive away from seeing each other.

    When we hug, we hug firmly. I can feel her implants press against my chest. It's something I noticed between hugging my wife and hugging her. Real breasts are squishy and flatten out with pressure. Where the implants stay firm.

    I have always wondered what implants feel like to the touch...I wish she would let me just put my hands on them just to get a feel. We are almost that close. Ill rub her thigh when we are sitting and talking, but i don't go much past half way up towards the "Y".....

    We have some very special experiences together, and I can never imagine not having her in my life. We have a special connection that goes back to our childhood. I love her with all my heart!!!!!

    Too bad my wife hates the idea of me caring that much about another female, even though she is a blood relative, first cousin.

  2. #2
    SOthisis
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    my opinion is that a cousin is family. you are not supposed to be in love with them. i hate it each and every time when i hear about cousins getting married.

    sorry, no disrespect, but it is not normal imo. i suggest you let go of her and focus on some of the 3+ billion other women on this planet.

    thanks for sharing though. it takes some big balls to admit to something like this.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Yeah, not saying I am wanting to have sex with or marry her. Just feel very close to her and enjoy her company and think about her way more than I probably should. She is just the most amazing girl I know personally. Her character and personality just draw me to her, and makes me want to be around her more than I get to be.

    We are both happily married, and don't get to see each other very often.

    The title was kind of a play on words with the brackets around some of it... "I love my cousin"... if you skip the bracketed words. The "in love" implication really comes from accusations my wife has made a few times...

    Anyway, thanks for the comment. I wish I knew what women think about it. Maybe SARAHLife will comment.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 01-27-2013 at 03:12 PM.

  4. #4
    SOthisis
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by fireproof69 View Post
    Yeah, not saying I am wanting to have sex with or marry her. Just feel very close to her and enjoy her company and think about her way more than I probably should. She is just the most amazing girl I know personally. Her character and personality just draw me to her, and makes me want to be around her more than I get to be.

    We are both happily married, and don't get to see each other very often.

    The title was kind of a play on words with the brackets around some of the words... i love my cousin... if you skip the bracketed words.

    Anyway, thanks for the comment.
    leaving out the words in brackets, i am happy for you. good family bonds are great.

  5. #5
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Well, the thing you've got to remember is that society changes it's own rules all the time. Think about history--up until about a hundred years or so ago, in many societies, marrying within your own bloodline was quite the norm. In many cases it was required (think of royalty). Ancient Rome--hell incest was rampant there! And no one thought a thing about it. Even pedophilia there was common there. Those things were not looked at being no different than anything else.

    I think it finally got to where people were thinking about it when we discovered genetics an' shit. Once we realized that offspring of common blood sometimes turns out really fucked up, it became something spoken in hush...and illegal, I think....No wonder the world has been fucked up for so long!...I think it , isn't it?

    My dealings with it only include me when I was about 14, I made out with a second cousin....in a church!....we didn't fuck or nothing, we just kissed and I felt her up....I wanted to fuck her but "God" held us back! HA!!.....I haven't seen her in almost thirty years......I bet if I saw her now I'd still want to fuck her....

    I guess if you get down to the nitty gritty of it, I guess the sex could be allowed, but I would think procreation should maybe not go on--for the children's sake!....for lack of a better word, that's what makes 'retards'....

    Back in my younger days I actually knew a guy whose mom and dad were like brother and sister--or maybe first cousins?...anyway, yeah, he was kinda fucked up in the head...seemed to slobber a lot......but fun to party with!!.....I haven't seen him in thirty years either.....I bet if I saw him now--I wouldn't want to fuck him...LOL!!

  6. #6
    SOthisis
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    just because older and ancient cultures considered something normal doesn't mean it's normal. case in point. you said that in ancient rome incest was rampant there. i think we can all agree that incest is a horrible thing.

    this is something beyond culture, certain eras, beliefs, conditioning. it is about instinct.

    would you want to have sex with your mother? or father?

    offcourse not and the immediate repulsion to that is at the core of the species called human. being human also means being sensitive to social and cultural conditioning, overriding our natural responses. this is where cousins hook up or sometimes even people have sex with their siblings.

    that is a huge problem.

    feeling in love with family members. or wanting to have sex with them. those are perversions. problems.

  7. #7
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    And yes, I agree with you 100% my friend! I'm not into it, like I said I knew a guy who was fucked up because of incest..it's really not a good thing!....I'm not for it!....But if we examine it purely on a scientific level, well--look at the animal kingdom, goes on everywhere there..Isn't it all about blood and the way it mixes?...It's like same blood and same blood just don't mix well...permeates mutation--just doesn't seem to work out....

    I guess maybe it has something to do with propagating the species, the natural instinct is to reproduce, same as any other animal....in small stranded groups any species would have to turn to incest to survive....I guess you'd just have to do it and hope for the best....

  8. #8
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    I have to admit that I would consider a distant cousin. Edgar Allan Poe was married to his cousin. If it is a distant cousin and you are in love, I say go for it. First cousin would be a no-no, at least for the gene pool perspective.

  9. #9
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    haha... this could lead to a huge, off-topic discussion about things that are in no way relevant to this forum.

    fact is, we are human beings with all the charactiristics we have. i will have to stop here because anything else i would like to say about that would be very far off-topic.

    incest, attraction to family members, it's not normal.

    fully evolved humans would in this case:

    "in small stranded groups any species would have to turn to incest to survive"

    decide that survival is not possible. it's the human intellect.

    btw, incest tends to create birth defects.

    anyway, this is a fascinating topic on a forum where it is on-topic. and it's a good topic. it just doesn't belong here.

    furthermore, i am going to have a drink before i go to bed and im a lightweight, so i'll stop posting now.

  10. #10
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by SOthisis View Post
    leaving out the words in brackets, i am happy for you. good family bonds are great.
    Absolutely...thanks for the comment!

  11. #11
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    I'm glad you have a nice relationship with your cousin, but I would be careful about trying to make your (possible) fantasies about her a reality. If your wife is worried about you forming tight bonds with other women as you say she is, then you could risk your marriage and hers. It is totally ok to fantasize about her and her implants, but make sure it never crosses that line.

    As for incest, I have mixed and rather controversial feelings on it. I believe that incest is considered bad today because of the issues it causes with the children it creates. Birth defects are much more common in cases of incest, which can be a big problem for the children. However, if pregnancy doesn't happen, I don't really see much wrong with incest. I might get a lot of heat for this, but I don't know... if two people love each other then it doesn't matter how related they are. As long as it is not child abuse / rape (the person you're in love with is under legal age of consent) then I don't really see what is wrong with it. Then there is just the cultural taboo (and ickiness factor) to deal with.

    That said, since you are both married, I wouldn't go there.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Thanks SarahLIFE!!! I hoped you would comment.

    I'm not really fantasizing about crossing the line. I did try thinking about her once (or a few times) while masturbating, but I lost my arousal, so I don't really have sexual desire for her.

    I think about the movie where Adam Sandler acted gay, and Jennifer Beel told him to feel her tits to see if there was anything wrong with them.

    I'd just like to give them a little inspection..... :-) ..... for "educational" purposes...

    I just think she has such a great personality, and she is so upbeat. And I love her voice, and how she laughs, and how she looks in my eyes and tells me how glad she is to see me...and then she kinda blushes sometimes and looks down, then back in my eyes.

    She isn't what most would consider really attractive in the face, but her personality is so amazing I just think she is the most beautiful woman I know.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 01-28-2013 at 05:32 PM.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahLIFE View Post
    I'm glad you have a nice relationship with your cousin, but I would be careful about trying to make your (possible) fantasies about her a reality. If your wife is worried about you forming tight bonds with other women as you say she is, then you could risk your marriage and hers. It is totally ok to fantasize about her and her implants, but make sure it never crosses that line.

    As for incest, I have mixed and rather controversial feelings on it. I believe that incest is considered bad today because of the issues it causes with the children it creates. Birth defects are much more common in cases of incest, which can be a big problem for the children. However, if pregnancy doesn't happen, I don't really see much wrong with incest. I might get a lot of heat for this, but I don't know... if two people love each other then it doesn't matter how related they are. As long as it is not child abuse / rape (the person you're in love with is under legal age of consent) then I don't really see what is wrong with it. Then there is just the cultural taboo (and ickiness factor) to deal with.

    That said, since you are both married, I wouldn't go there.
    no heat on this from me.

    the thing is that for me, the repulsion to have sex with familiy members seems to come from an instinctual level.

    the idea of having sex with a family member, stripped from all conditioned responses, instinctually fills me with repulsion. this even goes for my adopted niece.

    i applaud you for your honesty Sarah. as i said, no heat from me. but simply disagreement.

  14. #14
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by SOthisis View Post
    no heat on this from me.

    the thing is that for me, the repulsion to have sex with familiy members seems to come from an instinctual level.

    the idea of having sex with a family member, stripped from all conditioned responses, instinctually fills me with repulsion. this even goes for my adopted niece.

    i applaud you for your honesty Sarah. as i said, no heat from me. but simply disagreement.
    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I respect your revulsion. But there is this weird dividing line between what we have been culturally taught is revolting, and what is actually biologically revolting. For example, the world tells you that steaks are awesome. That everyone should like them. However, if you have had a really bad experience with a steak (say you ate one that gave you mad cow disease, or made you vomit horribly all night) you probably would become revolted by the idea of ever consuming a steak again. This is a biological revulsion towards steak, because your body is trying to avoid ever having to go through that again. It is an instinct of self-preservation.



    If you have never eaten a durian (see picture) you probably would be revolted by the sight and smell of it. Durians smell awful, and they have fruit that looks and feels like slimy meat. It is a weird fruit, but it is enjoyed by many Asian people. Westerner's revulsion to this fruit is more cultural, rather than biological. Since it does not fit into the schema of what we typically understand as tasty, most Westerners are revolted by the durian and refuse to even try it. This is an example of how cultural beliefs can affect a person's judgement.

    So with the case of incest, yes you might find it revolting, but question yourself as to why you do. Our culture strongly believes that incest is wrong, just as many people strongly believe that masturbation is wrong and sex before marriage is wrong. So is it really a biological urge against incest, or a cultural one?

    Now just to clarify, I am as susceptible to these cultural instincts as anyone else. I do not find incest appealing, nor do I even want to go near a durian. They smell nasty. However, I realize that my distaste for incest is my own issue, and that my distaste should not prevent someone else from engaging in incest. Just as my distaste for durian should not prevent someone else from eating it, if that is what they enjoy eating.
    Last edited by SarahLIFE; 04-15-2013 at 09:07 AM.

  15. #15
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    SarahLIFE, you always bring an interesting view point to sensitive topics. I never heard of a durian before... the first time reading that last paragraph I kinda mixed your topics together a little..... "not interested in incest"...and the last comment..."not stop others from eating them, if that's what they enjoy eating"....LOL For some reason I immediately thought "eat my cousin???" hmmmmm.....

    Anyway... reality for me is I have been married for 26yrs, and my wife tends to be negative, controlling, insecure, and somewhat insistant on things being done the way she wants and when she wants. Common example: Her: Do you want to do "A or B?" Me: Which do you want? Her: Doesn't matter, you pick. Me: I'd like B. Her: Are you sure you don't want A? Me: Would you rather have A? Her: It doesn't matter to me. I just thought you would rather do A. Me: I'd kinda like to do B. Her: Hmmm, I thought you would like to do A. Are you sure you don't want to do A?. Me: Okay, let's do A. Her: Okay, if that's what you want, we can do that. It doesn't matter to me. I can always tell when it "doesn't matter" to her, and I pick the wrong choice. She will direct me to pick the other, but end with a comment that makes it "my" pick.

    I do almost zero socializing outside work. And basically nothing without her with me. It's never been "convenient" to do anything. I even have to adjust when I mow the yard or work on anything outside, because if she is home and I go outside or even in another room, I get comments on how I "don't want to be together". I can walk in from work and walk in the bedroom to set a show to record and here comments made on how I'm not spending time together. She doesn't care about my relationship with my cousin at all. And has attacked every aspect of it.

    But she wants me to be close to her sister and wants me to make a point to make her feel good about herself, even though we have had some major violations of trust between her and my wife.

    Whereas we have never had even a cross word from my cousin. So it is just really refreshing to be around someone who displays character that doesn't tear down someone for selfish reasons. Someone who looks for good, and offers sound advice, and who shows appreciation for someone's presence. And show genuine interest in me as a peerson, and asks about "my" interests...and listens to me.

    Yes, I get a rush out of holding her hand, putting my arm around her, rubbing her thigh, touching her long hair, staring into her eyes, giving her a peck on the lips, hugging and feeling her breasts press against me, hearing the sound of her voice, and her signature laugh..... but I don't want to have sex with her.

    She has a personality that is more attractive than my wife's, and I enjoy it greatly. She shows stronger character traits towards others than my wife does, and I appreciate it.

    My wife & I have a "great" relationship as long as I keep in mind that any of my personal interests that are only of interest to me need to be pushed to the back of my mind, and pursued rarely. It is not uncommon for her to tell others how great I am to her, etc. But as soon as I reconnected with my cousin and saw her a couple times (in public places) I was accused of "leaving her behind" to go be with my cousin "all the time". Never wanting to do anything with the family...


    .....................anyway, probably shared WAY more than anyone here will actually read thru. I just have no-one personally that i can talk to in this much detail about all this.

  16. #16
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Lol yeah the durian is yucky. Not my idea of a tasty piece of fruit!


    The way you're describing your wife suggests that you guys have some issues. Far be it for me to tell you how to manage your relationship... but have you ever considered that your wife may feel really insecure in your relationship? The scenario you described suggests that she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her desires with you, for whatever reason. It might be that she is scared of you dismissing her, or scared that you won't like her if she asserts herself... I can't tell you that for sure. But maybe you could talk to her about that, try to (gently) get her to explain to you why she does that. I've done that in relationships and it is because I'm worried that if I say the wrong thing, the person won't like me or won't want to be with me. It is just a thought.

    Also, have you ever talked to her about how she is afraid that you're not spending enough time together? Maybe she feels like she is losing you, and so she is trying to cling on hard to what is remaining. Overall, it sounds like your wife is really worried about something, or she feels really insecure about the relationship, so it might behoove you two to have some serious heart-to-heart discussions about her fears. Don't get angry, and just listen to her. Accept that she's feeling a certain way, even if you don't agree with her. If she starts crying, it is because those are her innermost feelings that she's trying to express to you, and if you dismiss what she says you'll only make her retreat farther from you.

  17. #17
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    I hate to be the realist here, but if your relationship with your wife is not as fulfilling as your relationship with your cousin, then maybe you shouldn't be with your wife. I know that it would be unacceptable for me, if my wife only thought about herself and never me. I would also say that a relationship that is only one-sided is destined to fail. I know that you love each other, but how much are you willing to give before it impedes on your own identity and happiness? What you have and what you feel for your wife's sister is not incest. In a matter of fact, a lot of people will have dated a woman and her sister. Just because you and your wife are married doesn't mean that having a relationship with a non-blood relative, such as your sister's sister is incest. It is not. If I were you, and I am not, I would file for divorce, leave your wife and pursue a relationship with your sister's sister who you are happy with. What I mean by happy, is a more fulfilling relationship where two people give and take, not just take. This is just my two cents and you can do what ever you want to do. I've been where you are now, and I can tell you that my own identity was fading away and my happiness with it.

  18. #18
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Sarah has some great ideas as well. Always discuss and have an open line of communication with your spouse before rushing to any judgement or action. This, I think, is a given. At least this is what I've done with my own relationships in the past and why I came to my own conclusion. My conclusion shouldn't necessarily be your conclusion.

  19. #19
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Some notes and personal anecdotes as I can "relate" to several points brought up in this....

    I have a first cousin who's married to one of our third cousins...didn't even have to change her last name. They live way out in the countryside, where my mom's side of the family has been for probably at least a couple hundred years or more. They could certainly be considered "rednecks" by some, although I've seen much, much worse (and it should be noted it wasn't like they were after each other since childhood - they became interested in each other much later on).....

    They had a son who's probably near 20 now, and as our Granny would say: "...that boy ain't right..."

    He's probably closer to a 12-year old mentally, and always been several years behind in development; even though my cousins were technically legal to marry by the standards of most states, I'm 100% sure the kid's issues are genetic.

    That said, they also had a daughter who didn't have any of these problems, and who's actually quite a looker herself - which has gotten her in trouble so many times over the years it's ridiculous, including being knocked up while in high school (interestingly, via an interracial relationship, which has caused a huge rift between their family and her grandfather).

    My aforementioned first cousin has a younger brother who got married in his late 30s to a woman who was a few years older than him. A few years later, either at a family reunion or elsewhere, the couple learned they too were cousins, albeit a few more generations distant. Although they were probably too old to have safely had children at that point if they weren't related, this certainly put the kibosh on the idea for them.

    Not long after, I came across an article about genealogy in rural New England, where the authors extrapolated that if you had several generations of family there since the Revolutionary War period (that's around 1776 for those outside the US) chances are you're related in one way or another to just about everyone that settled there in the region - and since other areas of the country developed similarly over time, this would likely be the case elsewhere too,

    This is how they figure out things like President Obama being distantly related to the Bush family - and I'm betting it's not too farfetched that they'll later find that many mental illnesses, genetic diseases, etc. today in the US and elsewhere might have been exacerbated by the natural inbreeding of families in a similar fashion, just expressed later when the faulty genes overlap via a marriage of what are previously unknown, very distant family members.

    Regarding the notion of "immorality" of intimate relationships between cousins:

    It's a well-established fact that families and communities across the planet have encouraged such pairings over the millennia until very recent times, when it was discovered that this wasn't such a great idea....as with many things, what's "right" works on a sliding scale, relative to the times and the population involved. What's ironic is how this was often decried by the "more advanced" societies, while often going on in their very own backyards.

    Moral of this story:

    No matter how hot that cousin is, either keep it in your pants, or be sure to wrap that rascal.....and if the love of your life comes even remotely close from where you're from, consider doing a family tree before you tie the knot!!


    P.S: I would have never thought I'd ever see a durian in an FL forum - when I first saw it, I thought Sarah was going to illustrate someone's bizarre kink! I've never had it, but even hardcore openminded gourmet guys like Andrew Zimmern hate it. Apparently it smells and tastes like rotten onions meets toejam, so not too high on my list to try, but hey, maybe it'd be like cotton candy for a foot fetishist....
    Last edited by AlienInACan; 02-01-2013 at 12:09 PM.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    secretsexpoet: Her sister is married, and is not the one I am close to. She is the same as my wife. My identity faded a long time ago. I expected it while raising children because they always come first, but both our kids are adults now. Over the years I gave up on having much of any social life outside family. It never went over to try to do anything with co-workers or friends.

    Basically my interests aren't interesting to my wife or kids or her sister, so they get pushed to the back. I love guns, cars and concerts. I have been to 4 gun shows, 3 car shows and maybe a dozen concerts in 26yrs. The concerts I like are bands she doesn't care about so I've always gone alone, and she never complained about them at the time. But as soon as I mentioned my cousin likes these same groups and would go with me, all of a sudden she says she is willing to go with me and "tolerate" it so I don't have to go alone. But when she goes with me to something she doesn't care about she is constantly asking "are you ready to.go yet??????"

    Basically I am a very shy, quiet, introverted, people-pleasing, accomodating person. I don't complain to people, I hold it in. Giving up gun shows, car shows, and concerts or going to friends house for gaming was just the price for making my wife happy. But when it came to giving up a valued family relationship, its more than I'm willing to walk away from.

    I mean we have a happy marriage as long as I'm not looking to have a personal life that is outside of her, or my daughter (18, but still at home), or her sister, or in some aspects even my Mom & brothers.

    I have a lot of people that place a lot of expectations on my time. Unfortunately none of them give any consideration of my personal feelings. If I even mention taking a day off work, I have 2 or 3 people telling me what I should do with or for them with not consideration if I might want to do something.

    SarahLIFE: I will have to.respond to.your insights later....I'm starting my work day now. I need to "lay on the couch" for a session with you. Have a pad & pen ready.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 02-02-2013 at 05:24 PM.

  21. #21
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Fireproof -

    I feel for ya....your spare time likes are among many I have, and I was in a 12-year marriage with a lot of similar "restrictions" put on me by a woman who's now my ex-wife going on almost as many years now.

    At one point late in our marriage, she insisted that I go to a therapist to have my head examined - at the time she was working as an assistant in an internationally-known mental hospital in my area, and figured he'd prescribe some pill and *boom*, I'd be fixed, just like she'd seen with all the pills and shots they'd give the crazy aunts, uncles, cousins, and other disowned members of some of America's oldest and richest families.

    While I indeed had issues, the therapist determined they were caused in large part by her and her controlling ways, fueled by my misguided belief that what I was "just being a good husband", which was detrimental to the growth of myself as a human being.

    What really got me was when he asked if I had any plans in store for the future - kids, job, recreation, anything - and I honestly didn't have an answer.....other than to suddenly burst out in a massive crying session that lasted a long, long, LONG time.

    (I know, "bawling your eyes out on the shrink's couch" sounds extremely stereotypical, but it was years of pent-up emotion that definitely needed to come out, and had in fact unexpectedly leaked out in tiny amounts a few times in prior months - and it was absolutely the turnaround point for what became a much better, more productive, and enjoyable life later.)

    Like you, all I did was give, give, and then give more, unselfishly and without question, because it was "the right thing to do" and "that's what good husbands do".

    However, being a good guy is one thing....being a good guy in the two-way street of a good marriage is something entirely different.

    I got little to nothing of substance given back in return other mere tidbits of affection, and not very good quality ones at that, and instead of stuffing it away into a dark corner, I should have spoken up. As I learned the hard way, sacrificing and losing the core essence of yourself for the sake of anyone isn't a good idea...it'll eventually manifest itself in some less-than-likable result at some point down the road.

    "Love thyself" can sound like very selfish thing to say, but in reality, if you don't on at least some level insist (hopefully tactfully) on some things going your way on your terms, you risk spending your life as a doormat, which nobody should ever have to endure.

    We divorced a couple years later, in a less-than-amicable way. It was tough, but I learned I was tougher. Antidepressants and more therapy sessions were a huge help, along with the love of a much better and far more understanding and sympathetic woman I met during the course of it all, and later married.

    In a nutshell, it gets better....but you have to take the first steps to make it that way. In my case, I was pushed...and ironically, it was the best demand my ex ever made of me, and I thank her every day for it. Those 12 years seem like another person's lifetime, but they're indeed mine, and while they were seemingly a waste in one way, they were a huge education in another, and I still pull from the lessons I learned from it daily.

    I don't know all the details of your situation, of course, nor should I know. But based on what you've written, I see a guy who really needs and deserves to reconnect with himself on a basic level. I'm absolutely not saying divorce your wife or anything like that, but I do hope you'll at least consider counseling for yourself if she isn't amenable to doing some together, and hopefully getting closer to the life and person you want to have and be.

    Be well and be happy, sir!
    Last edited by AlienInACan; 02-06-2013 at 09:34 AM.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by AlienInACan View Post
    P.S: I would have never thought I'd ever see a durian in an FL forum - when I first saw it, I thought Sarah was going to illustrate someone's bizarre kink! I've never had it, but even hardcore openminded gourmet guys like Andrew Zimmern hate it. Apparently it smells and tastes like rotten onions meets toejam, so not too high on my list to try, but hey, maybe it'd be like cotton candy for a foot fetishist....
    It smells (tastes?) more like engine oil mixed with lychees and rotten eggs. The smell is so overwhelming that it confuses how the brain interprets the taste. I disliked it the first few times, but after a while you begin to appreciate the sweetness.

    Regarding this thread, a lot of it reminds me of "When Nietzsche wept" Dig out the movie because it is really good.

    Personally I am open to incestual relationships and I think adoption is the most humane and appropriate thing to do in the instance of wanted offspring.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    AlienInACan... Thanks for sharing that. I am in a very similar situation here. Mostly because I have enabled it to develop that way to avoid problems and disagreements. She is so sensitive to any hint of criticism, that I have almost no confidence that I could make any progress by talking about the things that bother me.

    She won't come right out and say for me not to have a relationship with my cousin, because she knows we haven't done anything inappropriate. But if I talk to her on the phone in front of her at home, then I'm taking away from"our" home time. If I talk to her on the phone while driving home, then I'm"hiding"something from her. If I even look at my phone in front of her, she thinks I'm sending secret texts to her. If I hint about meeting my cousin for something, then I'm putting her above my wife and I'm going to end up leaving her. ..

    Something I have realized lately in all this is that I was the"safe" choice. I am the quiet, stable (a.k.a. boring) guy, that works hard, and doesn't talk back. I treat her like she is first priority. Well, she broke up with me when we started getting serous to go out with a guy that was coming on to her (he was an arrogant ass, who talked down to women like they are serving class to him) after a few months she ended up wanting to get back with me.

    Then about 10yrs into our marriage, an ex of hers showed up while I was at work to see her. This guy is a total asshole dead beat, alcoholic, etc. He tries to force her to kiss him and ends up knocking her to the floor. Well over a week or so she almost leaves me for this douchebag. When she told me about it age asked if I wanted a divorce. I asked her if she was going to go be with him of I said yes, and she said"well I have to have some one to help with the kids.

    I told her no way soul I watch that guy have anything to do with our kids. So she stayed. The painful part is, her talking about why she stayed. She mentioned how stupid it would be to leave our home and the lifestyle she had her for somebody that was unemployed, with no house, and who was an alcoholic. Nothing about choosing "our love" over this dead beat.

    We have been married since we were 19, and now we are 46.i think she has that classic underlying thought of"what if I would have picked someone more exciting"? I truly think she was disappointed that I didn't divorce her back then. But she would never put it on her. She would make sure it went on me as my decision so she could turn everyone against me.

    Anyway my cousin is going through some tough times right now. I am trying to have some contact to console her and support her. We haven't had any arguements lately, but because my wife has talked bad about my cousin to our kids and her sister, now I have to avoid causing problems with them as well.

    It just sucks really. Honestly I find very little true happiness in my marriage besides the sex.i mean I know she "loves" me. But it really is very conditional. As long as I put her and or kids and her family and my family above my personal needs. .. everything is great. The only time she can"pot me first" is when it's something she wants anyway.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 03-13-2013 at 06:37 PM.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by fireproof69 View Post
    It just sucks really. Honestly I find very little true happiness in my marriage besides the sex.i mean I know she "loves" me. But it really is very conditional. As long as I put her and or kids and her family and my family above my personal needs. .. everything is great. The only time she can"pot me first" is when it's something she wants anyway.
    Im only 26, but I just got out of a very emotionally abusive relationship. I put everything I had into her and she just kept burning me till the very end. But just after I told her it was over, not even moving out or getting are stuff separated, a enormous weight got lifted off my shoulders.

    I look at you and I see the pattern. My advice would be to relay down the lines. Just start doing what you want with whom you want. If she bitches, tell her that her time is over and she can make up her mind if she will go along with you or no. You'v lived most of your life doing what she whats, under her conditions. Time to Live man. She will either go with the flow (then all is good, just stick with your guns), She stays yet tries to reign you back into control (if so just start putting your money and items somewhere else and just cut her out of your life), she tries to set up you as an abuser (you just move out, like back your bags and bail hard, only come back to get your stuff with witness), or she leaves you (yay!)
    If she will turn people against you, then they where never allies or friends in the first place. Just cut out what is bad and holding you back and add the new and exciting.

    In the end, Meditate on it. But there is always a new way to be, new ways to live. Choice is yours, just lay it down and stick to your guns.

    MRA for life!

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    There's no way I could just tell her off and do my own thing. I'm just not wired that way. I have never been one to even talk about her to others about things like this that bother me about her. I don't want others to think bad of her. That's why I chose to express myself here. Nobody knows me or her on here, nobody is going to day anything to her to escalate the situation.

    Honestly, I have posted more on here in this thread than I have ever told anyone I know in the entire 26yrs we have been married. It sucks to hold so much back but I don't really feel I have anyone that would be sympathetic to my side of the story. Except my cousin, but I can't tell her the real story because it would make her think bad of my wife. I've told her enough that she knows my wife doesn't like us doing things alone (even in a public place) like lunch or concerts or whatever. So she knows my wife is insecure and somewhat selfish and jealous and controlling.
    My wife says she is afraid I will hang around my cousin and see a different life and decide to leave her and find somebody like my cousin to want to be with. Because they truly are at opposite ends of the personality spectrum.

    But what is so frustrating is this: what I hear my wife say is this: "I am afraid you will leave me so I am going to freak out at every little thing until I drive you away. ...."

    It doesn't matter how many times she breaks down crying and apologizing for over reacting, the next time she reads thru my text messages on my phone she is going to flip out again because I "say things to her to make her feel good about herself. .."

    I'm sorry honey I can't be nice to everyone else and then be a dick to my cousin only. Basically she has attack the things she used to compliment me on because now she doesn't like it because there is a female that I care deeply about that she doesn't know.

    I gotta go. . .I need to get SarahLIFE's perspective on some more of this. Maybe I'll start another thread that digs into the insecurity issue and her defense mechanism of verbally attacking my character every time she feels hurt.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Well, going to find out how things are tonight. Haven't talk my cousin or seen her much at all in the last couple months, so no drama from the wife. She "says" she doesn't have a problem now. But im taking my cousin to a concert tonight. Just her and I. Its a standing room only venue and my wife has never wanted to go to any of those.

    But my cousin loves concerts like that. Im hoping to have some great bonding time with her. I can already imagine her dancing to the music, how her body moves and how hot her body is. I can imagine standing behind her and putting my hands on her waist as she moves. Wrapping my arms around her from behind and kissing her on the check...feeling her ass against my crotch, resting my arms just above her sexy breasts.

    I can picture how she will look me in the eyes and tell me she is really glad we came to this concert, and then she will blush a little and look away then back into my eyes.

    I am extremely excited about this. I have actually fantasized about her while my wife has been giving me a hand job. Usually my wife can't keep her rhythm up long enough to gey me off, but when she does it now I just close my eyes and picture me being intimate with my cousin and it take very little time and I am cumming all over myself! And it makes my wife happy because she was able to get me off!

    I know I would never actually have sex with my cousin because everyone would say that's fucked up. I just have such strong feelings for her that it has just progressed into my fantasy life to include her.

    She is such an amazing person, and I love her...I LOVE her... I.....love...her!!!

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Man that was an awesome night. She had on some tight fittin distressed designer jeans that made her ass so sexy!

    I had my hands on her the entire 3 1/2hr concert. I had her stand right in front of me. (I'm 5'10, she's 5'3) I would rub her shoulders, run my fingers through her long hair, slide my hands slowly up and down her arms. On slow songs I would slide my hands up and down her sides and then go in around her waistline and wrap my arms around her tightly just under her amazing breasts, squeezing her firm back against me; resting my chin on her shoulder. She would lean her face into mine and place her hands on top of mine, and we would just sway with the music.

    On the fast songs I'd put my thumbs in her side belt loops and guide her hips as she danced to the music, and couple times I went around to the next set of loops and had the tips of my fingers in her front pockets.

    We parked half way between the concert venue and the resteraunt we ate at before, and we held hands or were arm-in-arm everywhere we walked. I kissed her on the check more times than I can count, and we had multiple pecks on the lips when we had to call it a night. I didn't want it to end!

    Here's what I learned: her and I are so much alike in so many ways, and are so compatible we both love each other completely, unconditionally. We aren't around each other in day-to-day life, so we can keep each other on a pedestal and only see what we mean to each other. We both encourage and inspire each other. And we both have a great need for each other in our lives.

    So going forward, I am going to stop "spending" time on tumblr porn blogs, and searching porn threads here, and start "investing" my time being a better husband, father & friend to my family, and those around me.

    I'm letting go of this hidden part of my life of browsing porn and going to invest that time and energy into people close to me. I hope to eventually develop a relationship where my wife can see what my cousin means to me and if she can't understand it, at least respect me enough to be supportive of it. She has had a close relationship with a male friend that I never questioned, so i am just asking for the same thing with regaurds to a family member.

    I think what I found myself thinking at that concert is not that I am looking for a sexual encounter with my cousin; but just that intimate relationship, where we can tell each other anything and not be afraid of being judged by the other. A true uncnditional love, where we can even dis-agree in a way that doesn't tear each other down.

    I realized that my initial rush as I had my hands all over her is a feeling of Love, safety and security for her. Those were her words that she told me the next day in an email. She said she felt so close to me, and so safe in my arms. She said it allowed her to let go of everything going on in her life and just relax and totally unwind; something she hadn't done in a long time. And I need those same things too.

    I did masturbate thinking of her that night after I got home, but I was thinking how much I love her and what she means to me, instead of in a sexual way.

    So back to where this thread title started: I AM in LOVE with my COUSIN!!! And that will NEVER change!!!!! Because she LOVES me just the same!!! We have a chemistry and connection that can't fully be put into words.

    Thanks to everyone who gave their comments and insights on this topic...I'll check back on this thread later.

    I hope SarahLIFE will give one last piece of insight and advice based on this post.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-13-2013 at 07:03 AM. Reason: Hoping SarahLIFE will make a comment!!! hint, hint..LOL

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    you better take it into control before you get yourself into some sort of a situation

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Haha freproof69... I'll comment just for your edit.

    I've been reading all of these posts as they've progressed and the reason I haven't said anything is because you seem to be handling it well on your own. You are aware of what you want/don't want from your cousin and from your wife, and you seem to have a good idea of how to manage both relationships. However, I'm really glad that you said you're going to try to work on your family relationships outside of the one with your cousin, because ideally you would want to feel as safe and secure with your wife and children as you do with your cousin. Safety and security are essential parts of intimate relationships, as I have been learning in my own life, and it sounds like you and your wife have a lot to work on before you feel these things with each other. It seems to me that your wife feels insecure about you being with other women because she doesn't feel secure in your relationship. Equally, it looks like you're lacking that feeling of safety and security with her as well, because you're seeking it out in other people (i.e. your cousin).

    Ultimately, it is up to you what you do with this whole situation, but it sounds like you're on a good path. Who knows... after you work on your marriage, maybe your wife will want to surf porn with you because it won't make her feel so threatened! That could be a long way in the future, though...

    Good luck, and let us know how everything's going!

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Oh, Sarah...you made my day!!!

    I have a lot to add but can't right now. I will post later.

    Ive been getting the cold shoulder/silent treatment since Friday. This really wears on me.....


    Here's one hard lesson I've realized yhru all of this. Catering to her insecure/controlling nature for 25yrs did absolutely nothing to reduce her insecurities. It basically avoided yhe issue by me never pursuing any outside interests.

    But things I have done with her younger sister that she used to encourage, like going to lunch or running around, now she acts like I am running off to start a new life with my cousin when I bring it up.

    And she says she doesn't remember me taking her sister to lunch, when she was the one to suggest it on multiple occasions. She always told me she was glad that I treated her sister like she was my own sister, because it made her feel loved and feel better about herself. But she has verbally lashed out at me using those same words against me for saying things to my cousin that "makes her feel good about herself".

    2yrs ago I even took a much younger and very attractive woman to a concert just us two, at yhe recommendations of my wife and daughter. Now I pay dearly either before, after or both because I took my cousin the other night.

    I hate to keep going on and on here, but I have no one to talk to about this. My cousin knows my wife doesn't like us being "alone" in upublic venues. So she doesn't call or text much first. So that leaves the pressure on me to initiate.

    As far as having hope there will ever be real progress... I doubt it. Almost every conversation/arguement/debate we have around this issue, my wife will include "since I see I can't have it the way I REALLY want it, and her be completely out of the picrure, I will try to learn to deal with it. You just have to give me time to adjust. It would be wrong to ask you to tell her to stay away, so I will never ask you to do that. If I decide I cany deal with it I'll just leave." Talk about putting pressure on ME!!!

    In our 3arly years my wife was so giving to other people. I wrote a poem one time about how "my wife is a super-hero, and I wm the invisible man"...because she was always doing things for her family and mine, and I felt like I was just left out in the cold. Now she is very hard-hearted towards most people. I hate to think too much about it but she is becoming her mom...and she died a lonely bitter death.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-16-2013 at 02:30 PM.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by fireproof69 View Post
    But what is so frustrating is this: what I hear my wife say is this: "I am afraid you will leave me so I am going to freak out at every little thing until I drive you away. ...."

    Maybe I'll start another thread that digs into the insecurity issue and her defense mechanism of verbally attacking my character every time she feels hurt.
    It sounds like your wife might have Borderline Personality Disorder, honestly. This is more than slight insecurity.

    I know this isn't really what you want to hear, but you're in an unhealthy, abusive relationship where you can't stand up for yourself, or say what you want. There's no compromise or give and take. It's all about her.

    I'd advise you to look into the book "Walking on Eggshells" which is a book for people in relationships with people with BPD. Google and do some research on BPD and abusive relationships. See if it sounds familiar.

    There's also a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which is available for free online if you google it. It's written for people like you, who have problems stating what they want and who just accommodate other people because they're afraid to make waves.

    There is help for you and there is a way out, if you want it. I think therapy for you would help you a lot.

    About your cousin: I suspect you just have strong feelings for her because you're close to her and she's normal and sane, unlike your wife. It's worth noting that most states in the US allow first cousins to marry, and first cousins are far enough apart genetically that there's no risk of disabilities. It doesn't even count as incest.

    It also sounds like she's into you as well. I'd seriously consider trying to actually date her. Or at least try dating some other people.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    FireFish:

    1. that quote you quoted was my interpretation of how my wife's action speak, not what she actually says.
    2. my cousin is happily married, so I'm not looking to date her.
    3. tell me something i don't know...

    i mentioned she is becoming her Mom...she was certainly mentally unstable. had a couple stay's at a mental institution when my wife was a child, the kids were taken away multiple times.

    I certainly see warning signs...

    she works with a bunch of women, old bitter divorcees, and middle age unhappily married, younger unhappily married women that sit around bashing their deadbeat, cheating men. so i told she can't turn and project that on me, because I've never done those things.

    Here's the latest week long drama. Two of her co-workers said their guys told them they get tired of them saying "i love you", and that they didn't mean it. So she comes home and asks me "do i say i love you too much?" i say as long as you mean it i don't mind. i like it better when i know you think it when you say it. sometimes you say it multiple times in a phone conversation, and you dont give me a chance to say it back before you say something else. so sometimes i think you say it without realizing it. (she said she didn't know she even did that)

    SO for 4 days she wouldn't even say it if i said it first. id say i love you and she would say "have a good day" on my way out the door to work. she finally talks about it and says "you said you don't think i mean it and you don't want me saying it, so i don't know when you want me to say it." i said if you mean it say it, if you don't then don't. plus i explained my comments had nothingnto do with her loving me, just that i like it when i know she thinks it when she says it. so another 3days of not saying it, so we had another discussion about it lastnight. hopefully this gets over with.

    she wasntalking about these 2 couples that she works with that are friends with each other. one couple started with an open marriage, until she got pregnant, and then she wanted to stop seeing other people, so she stopped but the guy just kept doing it behind her back. she would catch him from time to time and he would havemto find another . then once she cheated to get back at him, and once she made out with this other woman to give that woman's husband a show. now she wants a divorce because she is tired of him cheating. my wife says she listens to all of their drama and it makes her think about how boring her life is, then she said "i think i would rather have that than all that raziness going on."

    so i told her that made me sad... i said you said you "think" you would. so that means you don't "know" that you would. now i have to be worried that younare looking for something more exciting than me. she looked at me and said that is silly. so i pointed out that is exactly how she keeps doing me, with every little word i say that isn't said exactly how she thinks it sould be.

    Anyway, i told her that she has to stop taking all this crap from these other couple's issues and projecting them onto me, because i am nothing like them, and i am not going to be held accountable based on their actions.

    Back when i first re-connected with my cousin at a family gathering a week later i took a long lunch and went and had lunch with her. within 15min of getting home i told my wife that a went and saw her for lunch because i didn't get to visit much at the dinner. she ends up saying i was being deceiving because i didn't tell her before i did it (a.k.a. ask for her approval) then a couple months later i had bought a watch that i wanted to give my cousin,but didn't know if i would see her before christmas, so i held it for her birthday later. when i told my wife i had bought something but wasn't sure when i would give it to her, she said i was keeping secrets from her because again, i didn't ask her what shemthought about it.

    basically anything that she over-reacts about, neverngoes away. no matter how many times i defend and ezplain my side. even if she says she understands later, i know that the first reaction is going to come back around over and over again.

    inhave felt for the last year and a half that this is the beginning of the end. that at some point she is going tomsay she wants out. and for me its not about choosing between my cousin and my wife. because like i keep telling my wife " i choose you, by being here every day, andmloving you and being there for you. by keeping a distance from my cousin, and not talking very often, or seeing her. but i can't give you what you want when you say you want her totally out of the picture. because we haven't done anything to justify that. she is nothing but nice to my wife and anyone in the family she has been around.

    so the bottom line is i am choosing ME.....
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-20-2013 at 04:56 AM.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    I'd be very worried about the wife. Regardless of whatever she really thinks/wants what she says (having had some experience with troubled girls I'm inclined to think she doesn't), it's clear those woman have a really bad influence on her. I would consider the possibility they are fucking her up on purpose (so she will "share their trouble"). Some woman are real bitches. Consider discretly finding out if this is the case.

    I don't think you're choosing "you". You certainly care.
    When your wife says she wants her out of the picture I don't think she means so for real. I think she believes much more happens between you two. She might not even realize it but what her subconscious thinks is that she got competition.

    What can you do? You can try changing what happens between you and your cousin. Perhaps you'll have to hug her less firmly, or just take quick glances at her eyes. Is that too much if you can save both relations?
    Don't give up man! If something runs amok, the only wrong thing to do is doing nothing.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Fuck what society thinks. If you two are attracted to each other, then fuck each other. Just make sure you don't get her pregnant.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    IWFly: she actually has said she feels threatened by her. Because my cousin has been to law school, and has a pretty high ranking job for a federal judge. She is smart and successful and is a great person.

    I point out to her yhat she is my blood relative and I am not looking for someone else. My cousin is happily married, and so are we when my wife isn't tripping out.

    Yes, if she saw how intimate we are when we are alone she would probably freak out and leave me. But we aren't that way in front my wife. I don't act any different than I do with the wife's sister. Hug and a peck on the check and a luv ya.

    I don't believe we have done anything over the line. But I know my wife doesn't believe cousin are close enough relationship to be that close. She has a wierd ranking system in her mind that only siblings should be really close. I've told her im sorry that she doesn't feel close to any of her cousins but that shouldn't mean I can't.

    My wife and I have an amazing sex life, including her asking for anal on a regular basis, and we are affectionate and generally happy except for this issue with my cousin. So basically I stay because 1. I am committed to the marriage 2. I have no plans on leaving my wife. 3. If I did choose to leave nobody in my family would have any sympathy for my side of the issue, and I would be basically left out in the cold.

    I will however not turn away from continuing to develop my relationship with my cousin. I hope that over the years it with slowly get smoother. Rigjt now everytime I have a great bonding time with my cousin it gets offset with drama on the homefront to take away from it, but I still have yhe good memory.

    So on goes the journey!!! I do appreciate the comments from everyone. I laughed at the "don't gey het pregnant" comment. She is 41 and has had her tubes tied..... (lucky for me...bhahaha...evil laugh)

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Very glad to hear you guys are generally happy and having lots of sex! That's very important!

    I would still encourage you to work on being able to stand up for your needs and what you want and care about, with therapy if necessary. Good luck, best wishes, and keep having lots of sex... having your dick in a girl is the best thing ever!

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    I don't know fireproof69, I know this is going to be a pretty unpopular comment but have you tried marriage counselling? It could help you and your wife work through some of the issues that you're bringing up here, and you could try to build a relationship that is built on more equal footing. If you are committed to her then it may be a worthwhile step to helping even things out for you and make her a little less anxious.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahLIFE View Post
    I don't know fireproof69, I know this is going to be a pretty unpopular comment but have you tried marriage counselling? It could help you and your wife work through some of the issues that you're bringing up here, and you could try to build a relationship that is built on more equal footing. If you are committed to her then it may be a worthwhile step to helping even things out for you and make her a little less anxious.
    I agree with Sarah on this. Even taking the initiative to bring up marriage counseling will hopefully further convince her that you love her and want to work on your relationship with her.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Well, counseling has never been something she agrees on. About 15yrs ago an ex of hers just showed up one day while I was at work. I don't really remember us having any problems going on besides she didn't like I was working nights most of our marriage up til then.

    Anyway within a week she talked to him enough that when I overheard them on the phone and realized what was going on she had almost decided to leave me for this guy. When she told me she didn't want to leave unless I wanted her to, she only said she would be crqzy to leave because he was an alcoholic and had lost his job and house recently. I asked if I did want a divorce would she go be with him (our kids were 3 & 8), she said "well, I'd have to go somewhere..." no way in hell would I have let my kids around that deadbeat trash.

    Anyway, I asked about counseling 5hen and she said she didn't need to talk to s9me stranger about anything. So she has never had a good opinion about counseling.

    What I am doing is being more expressive, and consistent. My personality has always been extremely introverted. If I am around someone that acts like they aren't in yhe mood to talk then I didn't talk. When my wife does the whole cold shoulder silent treatment I would withdraw as well. Where now I will still tell her I love her ev r n if she doesn't respond.

    The good yhing about me being so reserved is that I rarely lash out with hurtful cxomments that I don't mean. Unfortunately she does it quite often, so I know how it hurts and I don't want to be that kind of person.

    I think things have a chance to improve. We are going to an 3vent Wed, yhe 3 of us, and again Thurs. So hopefully 6hey will spend some time talking and start to build some level of a relationship between them where my wife feels a little more comfortable.

    Sorry for all the spelling errors...I'm on my phone and it doesn't like to let me click back on a line to correct things...gotta go.....lunch break is over.

    Btw...thanks for yhe comments!!!!!

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    fireproof, I'd encourage you to get *individual* counseling, not couples counseling.

    Is your name a reference to that terrible, sexist movie "Fireproof" which blames men for all relationship problems and says that it's men's job to please women and take care of women's needs, as opposed to two-way mutual relationships? Whether it is or not, it really seems to me like you're reluctant to put yourself first, and that's something individual therapy can help you with.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by FireFish View Post
    fireproof, I'd encourage you to get *individual* counseling, not couples counseling.

    Is your name a reference to that terrible, sexist movie "Fireproof" which blames men for all relationship problems and says that it's men's job to please women and take care of women's needs, as opposed to two-way mutual relationships? Whether it is or not, it really seems to me like you're reluctant to put yourself first, and that's something individual therapy can help you with.

    lol this is so true, his wife is a greedy bitch in that movie lol

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    No, I've used FireProof long before that movie. I had to start using the 69 on the end because it was usually already taken on forums. And 69 is one of my favorite extracurricular activities!!!

    I do believe in a concept where the guy puts the girl first, ahead of himself, and puts her needs first. But for it to work yhe woman does the same to the guy. I believe if each puts the other ahead of themselves then all needs are met and the bond is even stronger because its not each looking out for themselves, but instead each knows they will be taken care of by the other. Kinda like "I don't have to worry about my needs because they put me first".

    So...I'm doing my best to fulfill my side of that, but she's not exactly on the same page about a few of my needs.

    I can't tell you all how much it means that a group of strangers on an adult topic forum would take the time to offer advice. It is not in my character to talk to anyone about this that knows her, because it would make them think bad of her and 3nd up causing more problems if they said something. So thanks again for listening.

    I may consider individual counseling. But not sure how paranoid she would be thinking I'm going to dog her or afraid I'm going to figure out a way to leave her. I think the 2 nights this week we are going out to eat, then a concert and then a movie another night, the 3 of us, will be a sign of how things might progress.

    Who knows, maybe I will get them drunk and have a 3-way!!! I'll stay sober so I can enjoy the whole experience.....haha!!!!!

    BTW...that's just a joke for dramatic effect.....we don't drink.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by FireFish View Post
    fireproof, I'd encourage you to get *individual* counseling, not couples counseling.

    Is your name a reference to that terrible, sexist movie "Fireproof" which blames men for all relationship problems and says that it's men's job to please women and take care of women's needs, as opposed to two-way mutual relationships? Whether it is or not, it really seems to me like you're reluctant to put yourself first, and that's something individual therapy can help you with.
    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but before you claim the movie to be sexist perhaps you should pay more attention to the end as they reveal it had been reversed in his parents' marriage.

    Quote Originally Posted by fireproof69
    What I am doing is being more expressive, and consistent. My personality has always been extremely introverted. If I am around someone that acts like they aren't in yhe mood to talk then I didn't talk. When my wife does the whole cold shoulder silent treatment I would withdraw as well. Where now I will still tell her I love her ev r n if she doesn't respond.

    I have tried this approach before too because it just seems like the right thing. Unfortunately it didn't bring about any noticeable change in her attitude. I hope it will work for you.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by fireproof69 View Post
    I do believe in a concept where the guy puts the girl first, ahead of himself, and puts her needs first. But for it to work yhe woman does the same to the guy. I believe if each puts the other ahead of themselves then all needs are met and the bond is even stronger because its not each looking out for themselves, but instead each knows they will be taken care of by the other. Kinda like "I don't have to worry about my needs because they put me first".

    So...I'm doing my best to fulfill my side of that, but she's not exactly on the same page about a few of my needs.
    I agree it's great to have a relationship like that, but it takes time and trust to slowly build that up. It does not work to just fulfill her needs and hope she'll fulfill yours. I mentioned the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover; it discusses this and I'd urge you to read it. PM me if you want the link or you can just google "no more nice guy pdf".

    In fact, this is controversial, but I believe that if you show someone that you are fine in an unbalanced relationship, it makes them less likely to respect you or want to do anything for you.

    I may consider individual counseling. But not sure how paranoid she would be thinking I'm going to dog her or afraid I'm going to figure out a way to leave her. I think the 2 nights this week we are going out to eat, then a concert and then a movie another night, the 3 of us, will be a sign of how things might progress.
    I hope things go well for you this week. I don't think it's healthy for you to enable and accommodate her paranoia, especially if it means you aren't getting the help you need.

    Do you have boundaries? Are you able to express them to her? Say no to her? Do you have limits or behaviors that you wouldn't tolerate? That would mean you'd leave her?

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Xanthan View Post
    Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but before you claim the movie to be sexist perhaps you should pay more attention to the end as they reveal it had been reversed in his parents' marriage.
    This is true but it does not negate the rest of the movie, in particular the parts that originated from social stereotypes that men are supposed to pay for and take care of women without regard for their own needs.

    Regardless, having one person make all the effort is never a good or healthy thing.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by FireFish View Post
    This is true but it does not negate the rest of the movie, in particular the parts that originated from social stereotypes that men are supposed to pay for and take care of women without regard for their own needs.

    Regardless, having one person make all the effort is never a good or healthy thing.
    I agree that relationships should be balanced, but that does not necessarily mean it is balanced at all times. It is a very spiritual movie and I believe more than anything seeks to teach this lesson from scripture:

    Ephesians 5:22-33

    22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30 for we are members of his body. 31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery--but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Well, I'm an atheist, but if that movie was trying to teach that the husband is in charge and the wife needs to love, honor, respect, and submit to him, it didn't do a very good job. It was more him submitting to her, and not in a good or healthy way.

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Quote Originally Posted by FireFish View Post
    I agree it's great to have a relationship like that, but it takes time and trust to slowly build that up. It does not work to just fulfill her needs and hope she'll fulfill yours. I mentioned the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover; it discusses this and I'd urge you to read it. PM me if you want the link or you can just google "no more nice guy pdf".

    In fact, this is controversial, but I believe that if you show someone that you are fine in an unbalanced relationship, it makes them less likely to respect you or want to do anything for you.



    I hope things go well for you this week. I don't think it's healthy for you to enable and accommodate her paranoia, especially if it means you aren't getting the help you need.

    Do you have boundaries? Are you able to express them to her? Say no to her? Do you have limits or behaviors that you wouldn't tolerate? That would mean you'd leave her?
    Its difficult to answer that. She would just as soon sit home all the time so its not like she is out doing things with anybody else. So she looks at me wanting to do things without her as I'm "leaving her behind" to pursue a 2nd life...

    In some ways we have reversed roles. Early ob I didn't much caare about doing things, partly because I I as always working 12hr shifts overnight, and she was doing things with her family or mine and always wanted me yhere too. Now I have been working days for several yrs, and I'd like to go to ballgames of neices and nephews but she never wants to go. But then I tell her I am going to my cousins daughters game and she says it wouldn't be fair because we haven't gone to her neices game yet. But she is the one who said she doesn't want to go when I bring it up.

    She really has withdrawn from being inter3sted in doing much outside the house, but in yhe last couple years I have started becoming more confident in myself around others and I am wanting to do more things with family on both sides, not just my cousin.

    I have become more able in the last sevetal monyhs in telling her how things she does makes me feel. Sometimes she cries and apologizes. Sometimes she defends her position and justifies it by something I did before. I'd say in the last few months I have told her a lot of things that bother me that I never did before. I know enabling is not a good thing, and when people say that to me I fall into that thought of "well, just like EVERYthing else...it IS all my fault....."

    So I am not without serious insecurities as well.

    I don't know what I would say is a guaranteed "I will leave you" kind of thing. I almost thought about trying to find her ex and see if he has cleaned up his act and anonymously giving him a signal to pay het a visit, thinking if she still wishes she had a more exciting man she could leavr now because both our kids are adults now.

    The thing is nobody realizes how things are between us when she is freaking out and saying the kinds of huryful things she does. We have a pretty good front around others ev3n when things are in yhe toilet. Thats why I say nobody would have any sympathy for my side. Everyone would say I am so selfish that I chose my cousin over my marriage.

    What I meant when I said I am choosing me is that het stance is she cant accept my cousin (yet), but I cant accept being expected to turn my back on a family member for no reason besides "I just dont want her in our lives".

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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Any Dexter fans in here?

    Just had a REALLY akward moment at home. We just watched thru Season 6 at home. Its where Debra realizes she is "in love" with her adopted brother who she grew up with since he was 3 yrs old.

    Watching her talk about him at her psychiatrist office and how close they are and how she feels about him, I couldn't keep from comparing it to me and my cousin. AND I couldn't help but think "damn, the wife has to be thinking the same thing". Glad our daughter was in the room otherwise she probably would have askedbif thats how I felt about my cousin. Glad I didn't have to tell a lie...

  50. #50
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    Default Re: I [am in] love [with] my cousin.....

    Dinner and the concert went great! My 2 girls talked a lot and I engaged in the conversation as well. no issues or problems.

    At the concert I sat in the middle. I had a couple of opportunities to put my hand on my cousin, once she was leaning over to say something to my wife and the seating is pretty snug, so she was brushing against me, so I placed my hand on her side and let it slide slowly down to her waistline as she leaned back to her seat. Once she needed to get past to go to the restroom and I placed both hands on her hips as she squeezed thru (for balance of course) and slide down low enough to touch the tops of her pockets.

    Towards the end there were a couple emotional songs and my cousin teared up and she placed her hand on mine and we held hands as I had my other hand on my wifes inner thigh. Not sure if the wife noticed me holding my cousins hand or not, but when we were leaving my wife takes the lead to get us thru the crowd, so I had her hand and grabbed my cousins hand as she followed behind me. Once out in the open we walked hand in hand in hand, side by side by side with me in the middle half way back to the parking.

    Everything has been great so far. Great conversation with the wife today about how much fun she had and recognizing a little more about what the relationship is about and means to me and my cousin. My cousin has recently lost her brother(42yrs old) very unexpectedly and in a somewhat unnecessary way that could have been avoided. Leaving behind a 2yr old daughter. So she is still struggling with that. My wife lost her younger brother when he was in his mid 20's in a tragic accident because of someone else's negligence as well, and he had left behind 2 young children. That was almost 20yrs ago. So they have some things in common.

    I guess I went a little overboard talking about how glad I was that the wife went and enjoyed herself, that she ended up asking "Are you afraid I am going to freak out or something?" I told her "NO, I'm just really happy that you enjoyed it and didn't freak out." She said she was really glad and suprised that she didn't feel upset or aggitated at all at any point in the night. <-- this makes me happy!!!

    But then I realized something that still bothers me. She started talking about the ladies (and i use that term lightly) at work were telling her she was NOT going to enjoy herself. When the one told her to enjoy herself the bitter old divorcee (whose husband cheated on her) said "She's not going to enjoy it at all. The devil sends people in to our lives to mess things up. Even if they seem like good people." <-- holy crap...my cousin who has the kindest heart of anyone I know is sent from the devil!?!?!?! I call BULLSHIT!!!!

    Anyway, I guess I had underestimated the extent that she is constantly being fed negativity about this situation. You see my wife is the type that feels she HAS to talk to people about everything. And I know from experience that she will talk to everyone she gets a chance to, and in full detail. I also know from how she does with my mom that she will go along with the other person and not stand up for the person being talked bad about. Like if her sister is dogging somebody that my wife gets along with, ny wife will just agree with her and point out something bad as well just to go along with her. So I can see how she would do the same in this situation, where it keeps her thinking negative about my cousin and then being influence by 2 or 3 others doing the same thing.

    So i stood up for myself and told her it made me sad that I had to convince all these people that don't know me and have never met my cousin that we are good people and that we have a healthy, trustworthy relationship between cousins. I told her I didn't think it fair to have to answer to other people's accusations that don't know me or my cousin.

    I said this makes me feel better and worse:
    1. I feel better about NOT talking to anyone I know about my personal life because then I don't have to deal with people's biased opinions. Even tho it is hard to NOT have anyone to share with. (until I found that people on this forum have shared good advice thru this thread - and it has helped greatly) Because asking a bitter, old divorcee, whose husband cheated on her multiple times, if ANY man can be trusted around ANY other female just makes no sense.
    2. I feel worse because I realize how much I'm up against in showing her the true meaning that this relationship has for me and my cousin.
    My wife actually commented on how she can see where I am a supportive, and positive influence on my cousin, and how she needs that from someone close to her.

    We have done other things together with my cousin last summer, but I truly believe Wed night was the most positive experience we have shared together, with no drama afterwards. I asked my wife before she went to work today to NOT let her co-workers convince her she DIDN"T enjoy herself.
    Last edited by KssnCzns; 04-26-2013 at 08:11 AM.

 

 

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